I Love My 55" Rectangular Box

So let me first start off by saying that yesterday evening went rather well.  Hadn't seen the North Rock Road Poker Posse in several months due to a variety of things which included, but was not limited to, the emasculating notion of dad parent of gymnastics and dance. However, just as i knew it would be, it was just like riding a bike. Same guys, same stories, same outcome. Daddy took second, gave the extra cash to mommy, and now its Wednesday. Hump day. Movement day of the week.  If i wasn't in retail, and didn't regularly have to work Saturdays, we'd be 2 days from the weekend. Since i do, and usually have to, my week's a little bit longer, but its still hump day anyway. Since this is my first hump post on a Wednesday, and Wednesdays focus is supposed to be entertainment (TV, movies, musicians, etc.) i thought i would focus on the wonderful rectangular box that sits in 4 different places in my home and brings me more enjoyment each week then my kids do.

I love television.  All suburban dads do.  Its our outlet.  It may be our only outlet, and one of the last vestiges of choice we have left. Like I've said before, each day and what I'm doing with each hour within that day, has already been systematically selected for me by the pre-cogs (the decider's of the suburban lifestyle). Yet, there is a 3 hour window from 9pm until 12am, 5 days a week (Sunday through Thursday), that is all mine. Its the time between when i finally get the rug rats to settle down and get to bed, and when i finally decide I've had enough and try and get some sleep myself.  I could try and go bed early, maybe get a little somethin' somethin' from the wife, but last week's episode of True Blood is still on the dvr, and it will have more t&a in it then my bed will each night. No Sponge Bob, Gravity Falls or Shake It Up. No Oprah re-runs or Project Runway.  This is my time. Its just me, the basement, and my 55" LED big screen.

I'm not sure who exactly invented the DVR, but if its anyone besides a suburban guy like me did, then its a conspiracy.  I can't build a tv or a dvr, i don't know how the technology works, I'm not even sure where tv comes from or if its even real (ever seen a television factory or plant? me neither, because i don't think they exist, because tv's aren't even real, but that's another story altogether) but i know, in my heart of hearts, that it was created for me.  Specifically for me.  I can burn through up to 6 hours of tv each night in my 3 hours of solace and not miss a beat. In those three hours I'm a professional wrestler, cook, spy, and cop. I'm a blood sucking, bad guy nabbing, pawn star selling machine. My basement gets transformed into a bar badly in need of a makeover, a prison cell where the bad guys don't want to be, and the arena for which my favorites sports teams play. I know there are lot's of people out there who watch a lot of television, and some people who watch to much television. I, however, watch the most television.  Some programs because i love them.  Some because i can't let go of them. Some because i have to much time already invested in them, and i have to see them through until the end. For the most part though its because i love them. All of them. Without further ado, what i watch and what day its on. Some are on now, some will be coming this fall, some are only mid-season replacemtns. I've even left out all the re-runs and movies that clog my space, but you'll get the point. (all are favorites, but super, super favorites are in bold and are must see's)

Sundays: Boardwalk Empire, Dexter, The Walking Dead, 666 Park Avenue, Treme, True Blood, Hell on Wheels, Iron Chef, Sunday Night Football, WWE Raw, Game of Thrones, Mad Men, bar Rescue, The Great Food Truck Race, Episodes, and The Newsroom

Mondays: How I met Your Mother, 2 Broke Girls, Revolution, MFN, Perception, No Reservations, Bizarre Foods, and Wharehouse 13

Tuesday: Raising Hope, Go On, Happy endings, The New Normal, New Girl, Don't Trust The B_ _ _ In Apt. 23, Sons Of Anarchy, Vegas, The Mindy Project, Face Off, Covert Affairs, White Collar, Bar Rescue, and Deadliest Catch

Wednesdays: Arrow, Animal Practice, Guys With Kids, the Neighbors, Criminal Minds, Law and Order SVU, Modern Family, CSI, Suburgatory, Restaurant Impossible, Toy Hunter, and Top Chef

Thursdays: 30 Rock, The Big Bang Theory, Up All Night, The Office, Parks And Recreation, Glee, Impact Wrestling, Wilfred, Louie, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, and The League

Friday:   Last Man Standing, Blue Bloods, Whitney, Community, Grimm, WWE Smackdown, Yukon Men, and Bering Sea Gold

Saturday: SNL, Sports, Sports, and Sports

The worst part is that I am leaving things out.  This list doesn't even include all of the food shows, pawn and storage shows, hunting and survivor shows, addiction shows, or the miscellaneous stuff i watch. It takes a strong will, careful planning, and an acute sense of time and responsibility to get this much tv in.  You have to know when they come on, when they are new or repeats; which shows you have to dvr now and which can be dvr'd on a different day or at a different time because they come on more then once a week. I can tell you everything there is to know about each show, each episode and where it's going. Some guys know engines, some girls know designers: i know shows. All of them. Sick yes, twisted, certainly.  But you have to marvel at it just a little bit.  When you don't live in NY or LA, you have to live through them. Just me and my big rectangular box; til death do us part. I could go to the gym, i could build model airplanes, i could work on my hook shot; but for what? It's my 3 hours of solace from the world, and I'll spend it how i choose.  I choose fat and happy with the soft glow of my 55" LED television in front of me.

When the Burb grabs a hold of you and hold'em

So I know Tuesday's are supposed to be get deep day, but I'm not sure I've got it in me today. It's my day off, which should give me plenty of time for reflection, but when you live in the burbs, sometimes the burbs can get ya. It's the routine. Sometimes breaking the routine is the hardest part. I can tell you exactly what I was going to do today before the day even started. Wake up with a 4 year old directly in my face while a 7 year old yells in the background about how unair her life is. Put my eyeballs in and head to the gym to get a little workout in while I stare at women I'll never date and men I'll never look like. Then it's back hope to wash my balls before heading out to a nice lunch at one of three places: Subway, City Bites, or Jason's Deli (the youngest refuses to eat anything but sandwhiches on Tuesdays). After lunch it's off to grocery shop for the week at Target. Burbanites don't shop at Walmart, and the women at Target are way hotter. After grocery shopping it's one of three things: yard work, catch up on dvr'd tv, or get to work on whatever dinner I'm putting together for the evening. Burbanite dads love to cook, not clean, and I'm no different. Every evening I get to cook I think I'm Bobby Flay on the grill or Daniel Baloud in the kitchen. I'm probably closer to Chef Boy R D, but hey, within my kitchen no one knows.

Then this is where it gets interesting. Tuesday is my night out. Out in the burbs, every night is accounted for. Wednesday is the wife's night out or yoga night. Wednesday's and Friday's are gymnastics for the girls. Saturday's is dance and tap. Monday's is meeting night for either the wife or I, when we have a meeting for anything related to college and the such. Weekends are reserved for the kids and hopefully one night together. Sunday night is catch up night. But Tuesday, Tuesday nights are my night. Guy night. Poker night. Beer night. Telling the same stories over and over again night. I've been out of the loop for a while, what with trips, work, kids, and summer stuff, but tonight, I'm getting back into the groove.

I play, when I can, in a weekly poker game. It's been a rotation of the same guys with a few new ones in here and there, but basically the same 10 to 15 guys, aged 25 to 65, getting together once a week to pretend that they are the second coming of no home Jerome himself Phil Ivey. It's a whopping $20 buy in each week, two to three money winners depending on how many show up, Texas hold'em tournament. It's our one. Night a week to forget about the kids and wives and live like kings. Some drink beer, some whiskey, some even sneak in that soda that their not supposed to have that's completely ok at poker night. We tell the same bad jokes each week, rag each other about our wives and jobs and play horrible hands of cards. None of us are very good, but we all think we are. For 10 minutes or 5 hours, we are the kings of ads depending on how well you play.

Like I said, I've been out of the loop for awhile, but tonight I return. Tonight I return to the game of kings. With pale ale in hand, sunglasses on my eyes, and headphones in my ears I return. I return to stake claim to the glory that is rightfully mine. To tell bad jokes, and to laugh at even worse ones. Whether I am in for two minutes or two hours, the Arab returns (we all have nicknames at poker and that's mine). For one night, for this one glorious night, the burbs will be Vegas and I will be Elvis.